When You’re Hoping an Acquaintance Will Become a Friend

You’ve opened the message thread to suggest another coffee, but this time you scroll back a little before you type. The last invitation came from you, and so did the one before that. You enjoyed seeing them and think they enjoyed it too, but you find yourself wondering whether another afternoon together would happen if you weren’t the one arranging it.

You put your phone down, then pick it up again. You’d like to see them, and you’d also like, just once, to find a message from them asking when you’re free.

If we were talking about this over coffee, I’d want to stay with that wish for a moment. I’d be curious about what receiving that invitation would mean to you, especially now, in a country where you’re still building a life.

Perhaps it would mean that the other person wants this to become a friendship too, and that seeing each other is becoming something you can look forward to without having to arrange it every time.

You can enjoy someone’s company and still be unsure whether you’d call them a friend. Perhaps you’ve spent several afternoons together and found yourselves talking long after you’d planned to leave. You’re glad you met them, even though you don’t yet know whether you’ll become a regular part of each other’s lives.

For you, friendship might begin to feel different when there’s some continuity, when a conversation gets picked up again, a plan comes from the other person, or you feel comfortable calling without needing a reason. Someone else might use the word friend much earlier. We don’t always know what the other person means, and we rarely sit down after coffee to compare definitions.

When you’ve moved abroad, you may really miss having that kind of friendship nearby. Perhaps back home there were people whose presence in your life you trusted, even when weeks passed between conversations. You had history together. Here, you’re getting to know someone at the same time as you’re missing having people you can rely on.

You might find yourself hoping for a lot from someone you’ve only recently met.

When you think about seeing this person again, I wonder what you’re most looking forward to. Perhaps it’s the pleasure of another afternoon together, or perhaps you’re hoping they’ll become someone you can call after a difficult day without first wondering whether it’s too much.

Your answer might help explain why waiting for a message feels so disappointing. You may be hoping for the closeness of a friendship when, so far, you’re still getting to know each other as acquaintances.

We can’t know their experience from a message thread alone. They may be interested and busy, slower to get close, or happy with occasional company. The uncertainty can be hard, especially when you’ve already begun imagining a more lasting place for them in your life.

You might feel embarrassed by how much you care. You tell yourself you’ve only met a few times, that they have a full life, that you should be more relaxed about it. Perhaps those afternoons have been something you’ve looked forward to all week. I’d want to hear about that, too, about how much having someone to see has meant to you.

It can be sad to realize that you may only see each other occasionally when you’d hoped to become close. You might still enjoy their company and feel disappointed afterwards, especially if you’d been imagining a friend you’d see most weekends. It may take a while to feel comfortable with the friendship they’re able or interested to offer.

You may also find that the friendship is growing, just more slowly than you’d like. Perhaps they’ve started remembering the things you tell them, checking back about something that mattered, or including you in a plan. How does it feel when you notice that they’ve remembered, or that this time they’ve thought to include you?

You may have already made a real effort to meet people, and I wonder how that’s been for you. Have there been afternoons you’ve come home feeling glad you went? Are there people you’re beginning to feel more comfortable with, even while you’re wishing you were closer?

I hope some of these acquaintances become people you can rely on, and who come to rely on you. In the meantime, you might be glad to have someone to meet for coffee and still wish you had a close friend to call when you got home. I’d want you to be able to say that, without feeling ungrateful for the people you’ve met.

If you’d like to spend some time with what friendship feels like for you at the moment, my free Making Friends in a New Country journal is available with your email. It’s private, guided, and yours to keep.